This picture here is what my life used to be about, that was my class at the only school i have ever felt i was apart of, im not going to tell you which one i am, im hoping later on that will kinda reveal itself. But i am going to tell you how i got there, and how i came from there to here.I think im going to start as far back as i can remember, my first prep school, St. Edmonds in Hindhead...God that place was a shithole, i didn't realise it then but later on it became clear just how terrible it was (i am not sure how much it has changed so please don't quote me on that). After realising that it wasn't the best School for me my perents moved me just across the road to the local Co-ed school, Amsbury, that was alot better...i think so anyway, this part of my life is hazy, less of a memory and more of a life lesson, because it never occured to me back then that i had no freinds. This is not me fishing for compliments, this is me telling it how it is, i was not a people person (my mum garrenteed that but i will get onto that later) and so i had no idea how to comunicate normally and instead tended to talk about relatives achevements to make me look like a more accepted person, all it did was prove that that is not a great way to engage people and make me sound cockey.
However much i look back on my prep school days, i never regret anything i did, sure i might think back and feel like "oh why the hell did i say that!?" but i feel that i have become who i am today because of the mistakes of my past, and the people around me have either forgiven me or have nothing to do with me aymore so those mistakes were no great loss to my life.
At this time my older brother had already gone through Bedales school and loved it so my perents next move was to send me to Dunhurst (Bedales junior school) as that whould give me a better chance of getting into Bedales (and no-one had gone to Bedlaes from Amsbury since 1974).
Now Dunhurst was a completely different experiece for me, i had never had such freedom before, suddenly there was no uniform, no prep time, i could call teachers by there first names, it was incredible.
Unfortunatly old habits seemed to die pretty hard and my first human encounter there went pretty shit.
so here started my first year in 'Heaven'...guess i'l have to earn my wings.
Not to long after that i found a freind in two boys that i shared a common interest with, at this point i can't recall what it was but the fact they accepted me was enough, they really kept me going through that first year and we were inseperable (as far as i remember) and gradually i learnt from them how to 'be', mind you we were 11 and things don't seem so meaningful at that age.
So after that year i decided this lifestyle i had come to accept had to change.
Over the summer holidays i bought new clothes (before i was dressed by my mum, i will never forgive myself for that) let my hair grow (before is was short and spiked up...i will nevr forgive myself for that either) and rethought how i would come back.
Now at 12 you can be nieve and so i rekoned that people would accept me strait away...that didn't happen.
i waited for 3 weeks, trying to fit in, always being pushed out, until two girls seemed to take pitty on me (i assume thats why they started talking to me anyways, now were pretty much an inseperable Tripod). and through these two girls, Jenny and Honor, i met another freind, Hamish, who started my ascent to acceptance. Thanks to these three freinds i started to become an accepted part of my year and gradually, I started to fit in somewhere...for once.
We went onto Bedales and my life really kicked off. From here i first realised my ambition of becoming an actor, got into the hectic world of raving, alcahol, ciggerettes and drug abuse and finally, first fell in love. I wont tell you her name, maybe one day if i get famous you can read it from an interveiw.
Life seemed amazing (with the occasional depresion blip and panic attack) and i thought i could live like this forever.
I have always found it funny that everytime i seem to reach a comfy spot in my life, i get it ripped away almost imediatly.
aftr three years of settleing in to Bedales i get told three days before school starts again that i've been kicked out...oh shit. Now we are getting close to where i am now. With thre days to find a new school i had two options:
- Shiplake (a public school in Henley, 2 hours away from anyone i know or love)
- Alton College (a 6th form college, still pretty far but some of my freinds are going there, including Jenny)
I chose Alton...my mum changed that. Let me explain...
My mum has gone through alot to get to where she is in life, she started out from a very poor family, went to a state school, got beaten the crap out of and telling herself all this time "i'm going to change this" which she did. I will always respect that but unfortunatly because she came from that she is very selfish in thought, if something isn't done her way, it is wrong if you get what i mean. Alton is free to go to because it is government run, abit like a state school (see where im going here?). So because of her im at Shiplake...however much i love her i don't think i will ever forgive her for that.
So now we have come from the past and are currently residing at the present. I am at Shiplake and stuck here for at least a year, later i shall explain my plan to get out and weather it has worked or not, but i think i have written quite enough.
And don't worry i don't think i will write another entry this big again, i just thought it was necessary to explain my background before i wrote about what is happening, then maybe people will think abit more then 'here is a stupid teenager with to much time' although right now thats exactliy what i am!
